Rock, Paper, DEATH . . . Dies!!!

Meat Tree and Pelt Swan, founders of the heavy metal covers supergroup Rock, Paper, DEATH, have split irreconcilably and have not announced plans, but a source close to the band insists that Tree and Swan will get “heavier. Much heavier. I’m not even lyin’.” All that's left for fans after their last concert, June 11th, at "The Agnes," will be the "Meat Tree" action figure featuring "my gold shorty pants," the Rock, Paper, DEATH video game featuring RPD vs. various emo groups as they attempt to control the universe, and the Rock, Paper, DEATH Garage Band tutorial that allows budding metalists to play along with RPD while RPD plays along with 70's metal bands.

The group had been slowly falling apart: Founder Jack Tyranny left a year ago to pursue his dream . . . “scream metal.”

Lizard Breath Cold Blood moved to Canada. Tree was reported to have said that Cold Blood moved to Canada, “to watch paint dry or study Abba sheet music or some such . . . . It IS Canada after all – the least heaviest place EVER.” When reached by walkie-talkie at her “Canada First!” encampment, Cold Blood unleashed a string of profanities against “U.S. metal hegemony,” not one word of which can be printed in this family blog.

This left Grey Monster, founding drummer, to continue the tradition with the newest RPD members, bassist Jayne Poisonwell and singer Der Desecrator. “It’s no secret that I opposed the break up so it’s no wonder that many have asked if there’d be a RPD tribute band,” Monster claims.
“Rock Paper Death won’t die,” Monster continued, “although I’m legally prohibited from using the name ‘Rock Paper Death.’”

Monster says he will create a “RPD tribute band” called “Rochambeast!”

However, “Doc” Martin Lindsey, a representative for Poison Apple, the corporation formed by Swan and Tree to manage the band’s business back in happier days, states that the corporation will strictly control the licensing of tribute bands and Monster’s “Rochambeast!” will not be permitted to perform covers of the covers performed by the band. “Meat and Pelt agree on one thing,” says Lindsey, “and that’s that there should be a sudden, violent ‘D’ of RPD. I’m not even lyin’.” Ominously, both Tree and Swan have been seen in San Francisco with acoustic guitars and tambourines.



But it shouldn’t come to any surprise that signs of the band’s utter demise are mixed. Last week when RPD was inducted into Rock n’ Roll Cover Band Hall of Fame in Daly City, California, and after accepting their third Grammy for best private school affiliated heavy metal cover band, Tree and Swan were interviewed by Times of London reporter, Renee Dragonvan. Tree insisted that he and Swan “couldn’t help but jam a little bit backstage after our induction.” Dragonvan asked if she could record a bit of their jamming and was invited to do so only to find that Tree and Swan jammed with air guitars. “Of course, we jammed on air guitar,” Tree explained, “because we didn’t have our real guitars with us – they’re big and heavy -- but we jammed long into the night, kinda’ put our differences aside, I’m not even lyin’, and we talked about our roots.”

And just what are the roots of Rock, Paper, DEATH?

A band came together and was already wildly popular before their first concert. But the members of RPD were family oriented, so they found a solution to touring while remaining with their families.

The solution: RPD didn’t tour. Tree explained: “The Beatles stopped touring and remained popular, so why should we even start?”

All concerts were in the same place. And they were free. “The loyalty of our fans was amazing,” recalled Swan. “All of them, every single one, came to every show. I’m not even lyin’.”