Conservative Opposition to Repealing "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and to Gay Rights in the Military

According to conservatives, here's a typical scenario that can be expected in a war zone after the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell":

The shit could be all around them at any moment. So in this bunker, 15 soldiers, mostly men, but a few unattractive women, too, quietly, expertly, prepare for battle. All except one: Johnny Bigun. Wearing his boots untied, a flak jacket, and thong underwear, he fashions a makeshift ironing board to sharpen the creases in his fatigues, dancing all the while. His iPod? Pointer Sisters, of course, with whom he lip synchs "Yes We Can Can." Or the Village People. Though Johnny is in the army, he insists, "Oh, I've been IN the navy!"

The women, all unattractive soldierly types, but expertly prepared, tend to Johnny's duties, telling him not to worry about anything. "You GO, girl!" they whisper to him as he lip synchs to the unheard Pointers. They offer to do everything for Johnny except clean his weapon which Johnny does lovingly twice each day.

The other men in the unit are strangely attracted to Johnny for reasons they can't understand and they hate him for it.

Suddenly, mortar fire, AK-47s everywhere along with men shouting in some local dialect. The bunker is under siege. However, due to their expert preparation and drills, the soldiers all assume their positions and their roles with their equipment in hand and at the ready. Here a radioman calls for backup, there a lieutenant issues orders, here a medic readies supplies and runs to the aid of a wounded comrade. Despite the menace of arms, the soldiers in that bunker comprise a well-lubricated unit, the pride of the CO, and if casualties are suffered, it won't be for want of preparation.

Focus is everywhere. Fear is there, too, but not expressed or even exhibited. Focus defines the unit . . . until Johnny Bigun realizes he hasn't had sex in nearly 12 hours. Knowing he can't function without sex, Johnny yells above the din of arms, "Does anyone here want to have sex with me now?" Three men who'd never experienced homosexual sexual relations nonetheless figure that homosexual sex is better than no sex at all and they shouldn't turn down this offer of immediate sex and so they decide to leave their posts and have sex with Johnny Bigun.

Unit cohesion deteriorates. Everyone dies.

Everyone dies . . . all but one with the names of their heterosexually wed wives and husbands back home.


Graphics from: Unconfirmed Sources. www.unconfirmedsources.com