You CAN'T Go to Quickly's!!! A One-Act

Jane is a student in Harry’s class. They meet in Harry’s office now and then to discuss Chinese History and whatever else comes to mind. Jane’s ethnic heritage is Chinese. Harry’s, European of some sort.


Jane: There's a secret student group that goes to Clement St. to drink bubble tea.

Harry: Is that the stuff with tapioca pearls?

Jane: Yes. Do you like it?

Harry: Never had it.

Jane: You've never had it?!!?

Harry: Seems a little off-putting, but I should try it. And it's the second time it's come up for me in the last 2 weeks or so. Other reputable sources recommend it.

Jane: Were they Asian?

Harry: Half of 'em were.

Jane: I swear to God, I was with the boring cousins in Hong Kong last summer and one day I had two bubble teas cuz Hong Kong has the BEST, but two is about all I can do in a day, but my boring cousins had EIGHT each in one day and you know what . . . they also ordered McDonald's delivered to the hotel room which I found out is the normal way to eat McDonald's there and over there, McDonald's is gourmet, but it's still gross.

Harry: Eight seems like a lot.

Jane: It's so stereotypic . . . bubble tea and Asians. Kinda' like busting out peace signs when you're photographed. . . . Who told you about bubble tea?

Harry: Do you remember Molly Reid, the blonde girl?

Jane: Yes.

Harry: She was apparently introduced to it by Rachel Wu.

Jane: I LOVE Rachel Wu! Well, her voice anyway is so cool.

Harry: Yeah, well, they're all about a chain called Quicklys.

Jane: NO!!!!! You CAN'T GO to QUICKLYS!!!!!

Harry: What's wrong with . . .

Jane: I can't believe anyone as cool as Rachel Wu goes to a QUICKLYS!

Harry: It could be one of those things for which she ironically exhibits some affection without really being authentically committed to it.

Jane: I hope so!

Harry: So what's wrong with them . . . other than the vat of boiling oil you can bring in things to fry . . . .

Jane: Yeah, they've got that.

Harry: Is it just a nasty chain?

Jane: It's not even real! They use a powder. It's all so fake. We go to ________ on Clement.

Harry: I'll tell Rachel.

Jane: Do.


The girl upon whom Rachel Wu is based has shared this disclaimer:

"My original favorite bubble tea place was owned by a friendly elderly Asian couple and used real fruit and ice cream in their drinks. After it was bought out by Quickly, I went into mourning and stopped drinking bubble tea altogether for approximately three years. 

"Eventually I caved, found something I liked on the Quickly menu, and became a regular Quickly patron. I realize the quality of Quickly drinks is very poor, but the unfortunate fact of the matter is that Quickly has a monopoly on the bubble tea industry. Think of it this way: Quickly is the McDonald's of bubble tea, in a world where Wendy's/Burger King/In-N-Out don't exist. If you, Greg, loved hamburgers and the only place to get a hamburger was McDonald's, you might pay a grudging visit to McDonald's. After a few McDonald's hamburgers, if there continued to be no other option, you would probably become accustomed to the Big Mac and begin frequenting McDonald's, all the while dreaming of something actually made out of beef. 

"This is my relationship with Quickly."